I was invited to a birthday party last night hosted by vegans. Now being an apex predator omnivore, I don’t always spend time with herbivores unless it’s while looking for a food source. But these herbivores are sweet and nice. So, while lower on the food chain, they are not at the top of my culinary choices…yet.
The circle of life provides for each level in perfect symmetry. Plants grow from rotting mass, herbivores eat plants then romp around happily into the path of a carnivor who after a short chase consumes the happy leaf eater. Eventually after enough leaf eaters have been consumed the mighty carnivor has a less then diplomatic encounter with a mightier carnivor and takes up residence in that carnivors abdomin until it’s ejected from that mobile alchemist lab, transformed into a rotting mass. Fresh, steaming and waiting for a seed to start the cycle again. Even the mightiest predator will be taken down and consumed by a predatorial vegetable mass after a long chase thought the ravages of time.
Having entered the domain of the leaf eaters I was invited to partake in their meatless treat. Apprehensive I eyed this eggless, milkless construct that closely resembled a chocolate cake further disguised with chocolate icing and burning birthday candles. Not wanting to spook the herd I accepted this obviously second rate copy and took a taste.
Imagine my surprise that not only did it look like a chocolate cake, it has the same texture and flavour. A virtual doppelgänger of confectionary design. I sat down with the leaf eaters and joyfully consumed this remarkable tasty birthday cake, and not once could I tell it did not contain any poultry or bovine byproducts..
I asked the vegan cake maker how this was possible and she explained the magic of transmutation that makes vegetable matter able to replace the animal matter that I was bred to consume. I think it’s the vinegar that is the secret, but here’s the recipe if you want to be a wolf in sheeps diet
In the end I am just happy, that when the time comes and we omnivores are forced to consume the herbivores in our community as nature intended, they will be made tastier by their consumption of such sweet treats as fake chocolate cake, cheeseless cheesecake and other inventive culinary treats.
Those vegans are going to be so tasty.