So I bought some breadfruit from the local Chinese grocery store and was excited to try it. I’d read several articles on this exotic little fruit and how it could feed the world, how it was harvested and used by ancient sailors to supplement their stores.
I brought this exotic little fruit home, sliced a bit off and tossed it into my mouth. Instantly I was transported to an exotic place, but not a paradise of rainforest pleasure, not a cooling waterfall fed pond. I was thrown head first mouth agape into the gobi desert during a sandstorm. Every drop of moisture in my mouth and even from the air I breath was greedily swallowed up by this demonicly greedy bit of vegetable matter in my mouth. Spitting it out didn’t help, I could feel my life draining away as it continued to consume the water from my body. Drinking several glasses of water and a glass of milk finally counteracted the overpowered Dehumidifier I had inadvertently swallowed. And I gazed on the remaining mass of demon possessed fruit is wonder. Who could possibly believe this bitter brown skinned piece of hell could feed the world? It was one of the most vile items I have tried to ingest and that’s saying something. It is the opposite of food, it not only has no flavour, it kidnaps and abuses whatever flavour might have once been in your mouth. It is the sand trout of Arrakis, the bane of Fremen, the very sands of Dune, brought to earth as orbs that mock the very meaning of the word fruit.
Unless this vile veggie magically transmutes under heat into something approaching eatable, I cannot imagine it has any use but to be the subject of idiotic articles pontificating on its uses that are in truth, cruel jokes for some hapless reader to sample, like sticking your tongue to frozen metal, or listening to a Kayne West album. All three will leave you feeling helpless, and victimized.